The SOAR Library

Is It Safe Not To Worry?

Why do we expect the worst? Freud suggested we expect the worst as a way of
preventing it from happening. He said the problem with trauma is, that the first
time we have one, we never had one before. It comes as if ‘out of the blue’.
Being a complete surprise, it crushes us.

To avoid feeling crushed like that again, we brace ourselves; we EXPECT
awful things. That way, we won’t be surprised.

Being braced isn’t enough; we want to prevent disaster. We want control. So
we consider cause and effect. Things don’t just happen: they are caused.
What caused the trauma that crushed us, that destroyed out illusion that
everyone was always going to be alright?

In Search For Cause

Searching for the cause, we focus on what was happening JUST before the
trauma hit. Maybe what was going on just before the trauma is what caused
the trauma. Since we had never had a trauma before, we were happy, we
were relaxed, and we thought nothing could go wrong. Then, out of the blue,
the trauma hit. Suddenly, we have an eureka moment. We have broken the
code. We suddenly understand what causes awful things: it is thinking they
won’t happen. Trauma is caused by being happy and relaxed.

Control Through Expectation

In order to control trauma, we have to avoid what causes it: being happy,
being relaxed, and not worrying about things. How do we gain control.
Avoid being happy. Don’t ever let your guard down and fully relax. And
always think the worst is going to happen.

Those three things - we think - give us control over disaster. Well, not
completely. Disaster still could come. But being happy, relaxed and
unworried is a way of bringing disaster to our doorstep.

Give up your pessimism, give up your expectation the plane will crash,
give up your expectation of some awful disease, and it will happen for
sure. When I was in the Air Force in Germany back in the 1960s, we flew
our fighters across the Mediterranean to Libya every six months to practice
shooting the guns, firing rockets, and dropping bombs down in the Libyan
desert where, if we missed the target, no harm was done. This may seem
odd since Colonel Qadhafi is in power there, but in the sixties, it was
more like Saudi Arabia. It was a kingdom ruled by King Idris, who allow
the United States to maintain an air base near Tripoli.

The Hand of Fatima and The Evil Eye

There was a powerful radio station in Egypt broadcasting hate for Jews,
and though Jews had lived in Libya for generations under pre-WW II Italian
influence there, things were getting difficult for them. Still, just as in Germany
before WW II, many thought things would get better. Some left the country,
and transferred their property for a token sum to relatives or friends, expecting
someday to return and reclaim their property and thought life would go on
there as before.

Some of the Air Force personnel station at the air base rented houses from
a bachelor named Mamus Halfon who was, so to speak, ‘holding the bag’,
these properties that had been transferred to him in their owners absence.
As time went on, Mamus ended up with millions of dollars worth of property,
and felt trapped in Libya by what had been entrusted to him. If he left, the
property would be transferred to the government.

When I was there periodically for gunnery training, I used to visit Mamus,
who kept a tiny shop in Suk el Turk, the old Turkish market.

Mamus told me about ‘The Hand of Fatima’ (in Hebrew, hamesh hand, or
Hand of Miriam, see http://www.luckymojo.com/hamsahand.html ) which is
supposed to ward off evil. Mamus told me he believed in the ‘evil eye’ which,
according to him, watched and waited for a person to proclaim their good luck,
or their expectation of everything working of well. He told me his friend across
the walkway didn’t believe in the evil eye. He said his friend once remarked,
‘All the other Jews in the market have had rocks thrown through the windows
of their shops; I’m lucky.’ Mamus said the very next night his window was broke,
and claimed that was proof that saying everything is fine causes disaster.

Obviously we know - logically - this is not true, be emotionally, it may be
different. I mention it here because I’m quite sure this plays a role. I am sure
that many people I have worked with of fear of flying are worried that - if they
don’t worry about the plane crashing - that that will cause it to. Thus, to rid
themselves of fear of flying seems reckless.

In some cases this operates consciously. In other cases, it is operative, but not
at a conscious level. This means, after a person learns the Strengthening
Exercise and practices it, there is a nagging feeling that to fell confident about
flying is - itself - unwise.

So What Shall We Do?

I’m not so sure it is a good idea to try to swim upstream again centuries of tradi-
tion or superstition, particularly when it is reinforced by our own experience,
experience like that of Mamus’ friend. So why not keep a worry? But how is just
one worry enough.

When Intercontinental Hotels build one of their hotels in Africa, they had a
problem with the waiters. The men in that area never cut their fingernails.
Tradition was that if a man cut his fingernails, he would die. Though extremely
long and claw like fingernails were standard in the area, Intercontinental Hotels
catered to Westerners, who, when dining, we taken aback by waiters with foot-
long fingernails.

So the hotel manager consulted a local shaman. The shaman told the
manager that the men could cut their fingernails so long as they left one
uncut. The hotel paid the shaman to make it official. The waiters were told
authoritatively by the shaman that one uncut nail would be more than adequate.

So The Moral Of The Story Is . . .

If we can see through the myth that expectation of disaster helps prevent
it, maybe that will allow us to take the risk of being happy, relaxed, and
unworried. But if that is too be a risk, consider what the shaman said: one
uncut fingernail is enough. So, why wouldn’t one worry be enough.

As you know, if you have been reading this newsletter for a while, or if you
have done the DVDs, one image of disaster - no matter how vivid - can only
take you to about a ‘two’ on a scale of zero to ten. So pick a worry. Stick to it.
Worry only until the seat belt sign goes off. Or, worry only until the nose
comes off the runway. Or, worry only for the first five minutes. One worry,
which takes you only to a ‘two’ is no big deal, and is a small price to pay for
safety.

Or, let the captain worry; s/he is getting paid to. Why should you worry
without getting paid for it when someone else is getting paid big bucks to do that?